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Alex (the Phantasm)

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[15 Jun 2004|11:56pm]
[ mood | tired ]

i am updating for my lovey dovey whom i love very very much cuz shes my love and i love her..haha

shes so beautiful <33

i love you nicole

anyway..tonite me, john and kristan jumped in a lake and swam for the fountain and it was cool..thats the only thing exciting that happened

nicole got mad at me for not calling her because i said i would..and i'm sorry..

i love her so much..she makes me so happy

i really dont know what else to say..got a job at wendys..start on thursday with orientation

ummm..working sunday at bridgeport raceway..i hope i'm just a runner again...hahaha

tomorrow, hanging out with nicole <33

thats all

i'm tired

good nite to you

Face the Truth

[19 May 2004|10:50pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

yea..today was cool..spent some time with nicole...

10 days until 1 year...its exciting... :-)


wes and his gf gave me a ride home cuz they drove past me..i swear wes has driven past me and given me rides home like 20 times...its crazy

anyway...yea i got home and an away message says nicole was out with her friend mikey p...yea..i'm overreacting..thats all i know..

i get jealous too easily...yea

work on saturday with nicole
school tomorrow...yea

my eye hurt today in english class..nurse said it could have been allergies

the poetry read in my english class made me think that my poetry isnt even good...whatever...i'm not going to stop writing

bored.tired.jealous.kind of paranoid...jealously does that...

i'm sure everything is fine though...

anyway..my dad called me the other night..said he almost died and whatever...wanted to keep in touch with him more...wrote him two emails..never got a response yet..whatever

he wants me to come down in the summer some time

got my progress report today..pretty good...

102 in english
B in gym
A in Human Development
C in History
D in Algebra 2
C in environmental biology

yup..so fun

i guess i'm going to go now..i wanted to wait for nicole to come back..but i guess that isnt happeneing...

good nite to you...

Face the Truth

[09 May 2004|12:33am]

my heart i give to you..
because the beauty i see in you
is the most precious of things i have ever seen..

Has the dust settled to the earth
abandoning chaos for another rebirth
a rebirth of calm winds and soft storms
something we will treasure much much more

and those promises we hold
wrapped around our fingers...
shall they hold true to our word
for only our hearts know the ways
that our smiles lift ours days

now left, i can hold your hand again
and i can breathe easy through tension
and now there is a settled scenery
in the far north, our love is a new being





so we can see the answers
and we know that our love will carry us away...

Face the Truth

Funeral Eclipse [07 May 2004|11:05pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

she left without a word
a deafening silence
the bleak wind shattered the skies
my blood now runs through my eyes

when shall i die i ask
why not soon...
why not now...

the latter days never seem bright anymore
because now all i know is you may never come back
with words...

and all i can see now..
i wish i could see everything...

frozen in my funeral eclipse
i am drowned in the dark caress of waters
grasping me under
suffocating and supressing the life within...

destroyed by my own nature...
all i ever dreamed of
was you...

and you say i dont belong here...
and i can see now...
my death is better to come around...

and at my funeral eclipse...
dead skies and horrid trees will hang over me..
because i have nothing for me..
or so it seems...
i have nothing for me...
that i can let be...

hold me deep into everything bound
let me seep into the earth and pound
pound at the dirt to reach the surface
a surface i will never reach...

Face the Truth

[05 May 2004|06:18pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

what am i supposed to do now?...i tried..i really tried...at first i messed up bad..well not at first..but on monday night, i messed up really bad..and i wish i could take those things back...

i feel like i havent done enough for her now..and i tried...i wanted to go tonite..i really did..i wanted to help her...and then i found out i have no way of getting there...and i just feel terrible..

i just wish there was something i could do for her right now...i am here for her...but i feel like it's not enough...there has to be something more i can do for her...

i just..i dont know..i messed up with things i said the other day..and i regret it so much..i was being such a terrible person...bah!

i'm so upset with myself right now...feeling so terrible...

but i don't care how i feel right now..i just want to find a way to help nicole..to make her smile some how..some way..i just need to do it....for her..

i can see how she sees me as being selfish and only thinking of myself...i can remember now that i didn't really..i dont know..comfort her i guess...

i feel so ashamed..i wish i could do something...if only she knew now that i am trying...but i dont know if she knows that..or if she believes it...but i'm trying to find a way to help her...

i can't say i'm sorry enough...it doesn't fix anything...and i wish i could do more..it's all i wish right now..is to do more for her..i love her so much...

i know i said things..and they were wrong..i've been acting wrong about this whole thing...i've never been in this situation though...and i thank her for making me realize this...

i just want to make her feel better...of course it will take time..i know that...but i want to still make her smile..to make her feel special...

and i feel like i havent been doing that lately...but i'm going to try..no..not try...i am going to do it..i'm going to make her feel like she did before...and i know it'll take time..but i am going to do it...

i just want to see her smile again..to know that she feels special...she might not tell me..but sometimes i can just notice if she feels special by the way i make her feel...and it feels so good...

i miss that feeling...i'm so upset with myself...

i wish i could have been better this past week...i wish i could have acted the right way...

i wish i could have gone tonite..she might not understand..maybe she does..but i really had no way to get there..i thought i was going with her..and i was really planning to go with her..to support her...comfort her...i wanted to so badly because i know i haven't done that lately...

i just..i'm going to change my attitude right now...and i'm going to try to act enthusiastic..maybe that will help...and then when i see her smile or feel special..i won't have to act enthusiastic..it'll just be for a little bit..until i see it..then everything will feel right...

she means everything to me...and i really messed up on how i've acted this past week...and maybe she will forgive me..or maybe she wont..i know it'll take me some time to forgive myself..

i just feel so horrible about the whole thing...

i love her with all my heart...i'm going to give her the world...

this is all for now...

good nite to you...

1 Truth| Face the Truth

[26 Apr 2004|10:52pm]
i tried to wait until you changed your mind...

you never did...

i love you...
2 Truths| Face the Truth

[26 Apr 2004|09:40pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

i feel like shit right now

so what...



sometimes..things just take unexpected turns and you dont know how to deal with it...and i'm trying really hard...

one day...

1 Truth| Face the Truth

the light in your eyes purifies me [12 Apr 2004|09:55pm]
[ mood | loved ]

hi i'm Alex.
i lives in Collingswood.
i be 17 years of age.
my birthday is February 8th, 1987
and i love Nicole :-) with all of my heart.
we are almost together for one year. one whole year. it doesn't even seem like that either.. it's amazing.

tonight she came over. it was okay, pretty fun.
we mostly just hung out in my room the whole nite.
good times.
then we made PB&J sandamawiches. they were yummy, becuase Nicole makes the best sandamawiches.

Nicole is eating peanut from the jar.
she's so cute, but in reality, i'm really cuter than she is. :-D

yo man.
what is this, the YMCA?

that was nicole typing about our night

she's so beautiful :-)..i'm so in love with her

she just left..and i got a glass of water

so i guess this is all..i'm tired..haha

good nite to you

Face the Truth

[08 Apr 2004|03:37pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

so today is the last day we had school for spring break..we go back in 10 days...wooo!

finally...becuz school was boring all week..i watched movies in every class...so fucking boring..haha

so yea.yesterday i saw nicole play some softball against Camden...nicole's team beasted Camden like 20 to 0...thats just ridiculous..haha

shes at a softball game right now too

i wrote an email to her this morning :-)

i also wrote an email to Negral of Behemoth..and he wrote me back..and then i wrote him back again asking him a quick question

so i got home and read nicoles email..she sounds like shes doing good :-)..but then she said this kid called her and started talking to her..like he tracked her down..and she asked if it was ok...and i was thinking..why wouldnt be..unless she isnt telling me everything..but yea

anyway..hopefully she will want to hang out later...she wants to go bowling or something...but pat has work til 10..but we might still be able to go bowling...if i can find some money

or maybe we could go to the movies..but i dont think she wants to spend time alone tonite..so yea

i wanna buy a fucking drum set all ready...its the only real way to start a band these days..so yea

i have no idea what i'm going to do all spring break..probably hang out with nicole a lot...if she wants...yup

so i guess this is all for now

i hope she remembers everything i said..i promise it all..i mean it all..i really do

good day to you

1 Truth| Face the Truth

[06 Apr 2004|09:43pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

who the fuck cares anymore?

i guess its all just me...and i'm being retarded about this..so yea...

and i looked through the pictures i have of nicole..and wow...she is the most beautiful girl i have ever seen...her eyes are so amazing...and it just made me miss her even more...i just want to hold her...god i cant take this anymore

what the hell is wrong with me?...i havent held her in such a long time...or it seems...i think its been almost a week...maybe that is a short time...bah whatever

i just cant take this...maybe i'm just pathetic about this...whatever...

why cant i just...i dont know...the pictures...of us...looking into each others eyes...or the ones where we were playing around and messing around from a long time ago...and i put her hair on my head cuz i didnt have any...yea...

or the ones where we're just looking into each other's eyes....or the ones of just her...and her beauitful face and her amazing eyes...looking right at me..through the picture...

it all makes me miss her even more...it hurts so much...

i tried to give her her space tonite...i dont know if i did a good job or not...i dont know...

it bothers me that this came out of nowhere...but maybe it didnt...so yea...i just never noticed how "clustering" i can be...what the hell

i'm such a failure i guess...i always seem to mess up somehow

nothing to say or do...

so yea..thats all

Face the Truth

[05 Apr 2004|09:47pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

my fingertips cant quite reach
and it feels so painful
not to know...



whats going on?

3 Truths| Face the Truth

[29 Mar 2004|07:35pm]
FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislike unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

well lets see

most of it is right on the dot except for Too sensitive and easily hurt!...hahahaha and romantic on the inside not outside?..i am both :-) and i'm not superstituous...and i think i dont try to show emotions and i do show them :-)

things right on the dot: Gets angry really easily but does not show it, Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever, Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness.

hows that for ya? :-)
Face the Truth

[20 Mar 2004|10:24am]
[ mood | happy ]

good times good times! :-)

yesterday i took nicole out for her birthday stuff..even though her birthday is on sunday...so umm yea

picked her up and went to tower records and got Saves the Day tickets for next saturday :-p ..hahaha..not my style..but i'm going for my lovey dove..and plus i think all live shows are fun no matter who's playing :-p

then we went to the movies :-) and saw Starsky and Hutch..it was a fun movie..kinda funny...but it was fun! good stuff

then we went to the Silver Diner..which is like...2 blocks away..if you wanna call it blocks..haha..and we ate some food...and my food was disgusting..haha

and nicole didnt feel well after so we just called it a nite...it was a great night :-)

when we were at the diner..nicole let some old fat lady sit in a seat..she was like...you can sit here if you would like..or something..i was like...you're so christian..hahahahaha :-p

yup so last night i did some vocal lines for Darien..at first they were bad..but them after warming up they were much much better :-)...and he said he liked them..haha

maybe they were..i dont know..i still think they were pretty crappy for what i can really do :-p

yea our first song is almost done..its going to kick ass

oh yea and our band name is Of Eternal Nights

there ya have it folks..so you cant steal that name now..its in print...even though it was in print before cuz i think i wrote it again somewhere...i guess in here in my last entry

i have to send some guy like 14 bucks cuz he sent me two cds: Opeth - Blackwater Park and In Flames - Reroute to Remain

good stuff

everyone...dont get In Flame's new album...it is the worst thing ever...Reroute to Remain was different..but i think it was still good...but Soundtrack to Your Escape...completely blows shit out of the nose..it fucking sucks

anyway..haha :-p


i'm so bored..nicole's at practice right now..haha

she should be home soon though :-)

everything is awesome :-)

i dont know what i'm doing today..but i know tonite i'm going with nicole to Albie's party..theres going to be a lot of people there..and a lot of them i talk to so it'll be fun :-)

nicole's birthday is tomorrow..and i dont think i am going to see her :-( ..i wish i could though :-\

i didnt really buy nicole anything yet..cuz my mom had to pay for her ticket..but i will..i promise :-)..and this time instead of her picking something...i'm going to surprise her :-)

so i guess thats all for now

good day to you

1 Truth| Face the Truth

[16 Mar 2004|07:01pm]
[ mood | bored ]

soo whats up?

recently me and darien started a band and its pretty good so far..we're almost done the first song...i've written drum tracks to 2 songs...(one has almost all guitars done) and the other one i just made today so nothing for that yet...then i have to do vocals...i'll write lyrics once the guitar is done

anyway..it is good shit..its not turning out like black metal at all, but more of a Melodic Death metal sound..which is awesome

so yea...me and nicole have been really good lately :-)

wooo!...i wish i could help her at home..her parents have been shitty lately...and i dont know how to help, but to just make her happy :-)

this weekend is her birthday..and i think only can see her friday..unless she can hang out on saturday too :-)...i wanna make her 16th birthday nice and mighty..and special..haha

so yea..school has been alright i guess...trying to do my work all the time now...i still need a job and that good shit

bored bored bored

i've been doing laundry..finally..haha..good thing all my clothes only is 2 loads..haha

tomorrow i might be able to go to nicole's house at night time...because her dad isn't bowling so we dont know :-\

i'm not tired at all..really really ansty...i want to play so much music..haha


you should all listen to Aborted - Goremageddon...tis a heavy fucking cd

gore metal kicks ass

but i am listening to black metal now :-p (Windir - Likferd) good cd

too bad the vocalist died of hypothermia..its a shame

hmmm...this music thing is getting awesome..i wanna be a producer and shit when i get older maybe (if the band thing doesnt work..or i could do both)...have my own studio and shit..that would be great

nicole said she'd draw my band's artwork..haha...oh yea..darien made up a cool ass name last night...

Of Eternal Nights

i was like..good shit nizzle...hahaha

well i guess this is all

good nite to you

1 Truth| Face the Truth

[15 Mar 2004|09:14pm]
SurveyCollapse )
Face the Truth

[11 Mar 2004|08:07pm]
[ mood | tired ]

i'm tired...i'm bored...i miss nicole a hell of a lot...

so i've been sitting here on the computer all day doing nothing at all...isnt that fun?...haha

no not really

tomorrow if nicole hangs out with dez..i'm going to be chillin with john...wont that be fun?..yup i guess so

umm...nothing really has been happenening i guess...i do have to say one thing though:

things feel like they should...and it feels great

i really need a job...and i need to get minutes for my phone...and also need some money to get a Saves the Day ticket..becuz i'm going to go with nicole for her birthday...should be fun

so bored so bored

nothing happened in school today..just the usual stupid stuff i guess

i need to do laundry..but i dont feel like it..and my face feels oily

but anyway

soon i shall be starting a black metal band with Darien...a two man band..it will kick major ass

today in environmental biology i told everyone the name of our first album: "Stabbing Christians in the Throat"

some people were shocked and looking like *gasp* and some people just laughed..and some people were like...what the fuck?


good good

anyway...i'm tired..bored..and i miss my nikki bear a lot

i want to see her tomorrow...but i guess i wont...becuz dez is coming to see her..and they are going to get sense's fail tickets and maybe go see a movie

i have to get my iced earth/children of bodom ticket...and i might go to morbid angel too..but first i gotta get this saves the day ticket

so yea..i'd much rather see nicole tomorrow..but oh well..i'll see her sometime this weekend

my mom wants to take me to the DMV to get my permit on monday...shouldnt that be fun?..i just want to drive all ready

i havent really updated at all..just some poetry...which i love doing

maybe i could be a professional writer when i get older and make millions of dollars..haha

probably not though

i'm trying to figure out why my face is being so oily lately...cant really figure it out..but i can feel it..and it feels gross..haha

i have a bag of snickers and gummi bears in my room...the big bags of them...yummy...i love snickers

for some reason i think eating a lot of gummi bears is bad for you...haha

anyway...i guess this is all for tonite...

i really miss holding her close...she fits so perfectly...

good nite to you...

1 Truth| Face the Truth

[09 Mar 2004|09:10pm]
[ mood | loved ]

remember when skies were gray
and sometimes smiling was a blur
and sometimes we couldn't remember
where we were

but now how everything sails elegantly
through cold mirrors and shining light
now i see no shadows
only life in your heart

striking down like a bolt of lightning from the skies
the power so incomparable to what we will never deny
that of the things that are inside
that which shall remain until the days we die

and where else could this action take place
but the space in my chest where life fulfills its take
and how else could this joy overcome my terror
but with you by my side and full of heart

Face the Truth

[06 Mar 2004|11:47am]
[ mood | listless ]

hey..i havent updated in a while

lots of things have been going on...

this past week...it was going good...and then..everything messed up..because of me...

and yea..everything has been hard...

i need her to know that i am in love with her...i know she knows it...

everything is so stressful...


and i can't help to try to look past everything and make her day enjoyable and happy...

but the happiness can only last so long..until those thoughts fill our minds again...

i feel that in our hearts...we both know how much we are in love with each other...and we're sticking by each other no matter what...

i know nothing wrong will ever happen again..we mean too much for each other to let anything stupid get in our way

another thing i realized..only last nite..was..we have to start making decisions together...sometimes she'll be like..whatever you want to do...or if you want...and i say the same things too sometimes...and i just thought...this shouldnt be how it is..we should be making decisions together as one person...


she means everything to mean...i try my hardest to make her happy...

i try to be perfect for her...and she tells me i am...so i am trying too hard to be something that i all ready am...and i realize that now...

lots of things have to change now...

our attitudes...our ways of thinking...our jealousy..our paranoia...our behavoirs...

i know we can do it...when two people are in love..they can accomplish anything they want together...that is what i believe...

so i know in my heart..this will all turn out okay..

i guess this is all for now...

nicole, i love you with all my heart

good day to you..

3 Truths| Face the Truth

[24 Feb 2004|10:20pm]
[ mood | in love ]

A starry night
I hold you tight
I will never let go
never let go

In your eyes
I see the moon bright
Such beauty lay within you
Can you feel it?

May I reach to your heart
And place gardens of roses
That will never disappear
but grow long and full

Your smile greets me happily
I can easily say you do things to me
that I've never felt before
Thank you for opening that door.

I promise to give you my full attention
I promise you all my love
You lift me into amazing directions
that lead to our affections

Shall I take your hand?
To hold dearly close to my heart
And look into thine eyes
until death do us part.

4 Truths| Face the Truth

[24 Feb 2004|08:11pm]

have i ever died for you?

well yes...all the time...

and would i do it again?


every moment i lay there with you
and every dream i had came true

so have i died for you?

all the time...

would i do it again?

all over again...

and all over again i lay in that moment
where everything was there...
everything was perfect...

and what if i lose my mind now..?

yes i would do it again


every star has an eye..and when i look into my stars
i only see you
and what better way to live
than for you...

Face the Truth

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